Quote of the Day (2012-02-18)

Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]

Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy!

Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

[pause]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke.

Man in audience: You suck, McBain!

[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked!

[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]

Man in audience: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay]

Rainer Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?

Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!

Source: The Simpsons